Thursday, July 7, 2011

Where I'm At: Leaving One Closet for Another?


Some days I just want it to end.  I just want to be who I am, fully, completely.  I am so sick of feeling like I have to hide part of myself for fear of what someone might think.  Even now.   I long to feel integrated, whole, unashamed. 

Recently, I was confronted with a major decision about whether to out myself in a very public way.  A part of me very much wanted to do that; to just be out.  Period. 

But, another part of me was concerned about what affect this might have on my children, as was my wife.  I want to be responsible, but on the other hand, I resent feeling like I’m something that has to be covered up.  I hate the feeling that I have to ask permission to be who I am.  Where and when do I draw the line?  How much longer do I have to do this?

I’ve also recently been faced with a decision of whether to out Invictus Pilgrim.  Frankly, I sometimes feel that I have created another closet for myself with this blog.  I created the persona of “Invictus Pilgrim” – and he has allowed me to express things that I never could have expressed under my real name.  He has given me the opportunity – as I wrote early on – to out the writer in me: something I would never have permitted the real, pre-coming-out me, to do.

But!  The writer is in me, not Invictus Pilgrim.  IP’s not real; I am.  Yet a very large part of me is now cloaked in his identity.  I want to reclaim that part of me for myself, yet to do so, I have to out myself as him. 


This puts me back in the same situation of being afraid of what others – those who know me, who have been and are close to me – might think if they discover that I am Invictus Pilgrim and they read what I have written on this blog.  Do I care that members of my previous ward, my former bishop, my former stake president, might read my innermost thoughts?  Why?  Because they would see someone completely different than the person they thought I was?  Why do I care what they think?

And then there are my children.  On the one hand, the thought of them reading my blog is very uncomfortable.  But on the other hand, I want to share with them what has become a very important – if not integral – part of my coming out and of who I am right now.  Again, I feel like I cannot be the real me with them; that I have to conform to some standard of acceptableness, whether it be theirs or someone else’s.  Sometimes, I just want to say “F**k it!”

And then, then, there is that voice that whispers in the stillness:  “You are a hypocrite!  You write about wholeness, integrity, affirmation and other lovely concepts, yet you have a fragmented identity, you hide behind a false persona and you’re still filled with shame at who and what you are.” 

How can I expect others to respect who and what I am if I don’t? 

Thoughts, anyone?
  

13 comments:

  1. As you know, I don't know who you are in real life, but I have come to know Invictus Pilgrim very well over the last few months. You're a great guy. For me, the decision to come out was a lot easier because I don't have any children and my wife has passed away, so I didn't really have anyone that I was directly responsible for. Those certainly are things to take into consideration when you make that decision. But, the way I saw it was my problem was whether or not I come out--how other people see me isn't my problem, it's theirs.

    From what I've read of your posts in the past, at the very core, you don't care what your church leaders think. And I don't think you should. They're not the ones that have to live your life, you are. If they want to change their opinion of you because you are open and honest, rather than living this double life, then that only shows their own weakness of character.

    Concerning your children reading your blog, I am firmly of the opinion that sometimes hurt, shock, or other undesired emotions must be caused in order for real healing to take place. Also, people need to see the whole story. If your children know all of this about you, then they'll be much more likely to be compassionate toward others (in particular gays). That's the best way to build a new generation free of prejudice.

    I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you, and my heart goes out to you as you go through this struggle of deciding whether to come out--weighing all of the pros and cons. But, I just want to say that coming out was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. I was chatting with another MoHo the other day and I told him that it feels great--it feels like I can breathe (whereas before I was suffocated) and there are even days when I feel like I can fly. He agreed.

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  2. Keith - Thanks for taking the time to share your sincere thoughts. I really appreciate it. You've given me some food for thought. Sometimes, it's difficult to discern where one's real responsibilities lie, or where the greater ones lie. And come to think of it ... it's difficult to even step out of the "responsibility" mode. Would that be irresponsible? :)

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  3. I can imagine a host of reasons that a whole, out man living with integrity might not divulge that he's gay publicly... and to not force my children's hand would be one of them.

    Only you know if it was you really trying to hide from yourself or if it was a decision born out of love.

    Coming out is a process for both you and for others. I think others, especially our children, need to room to do it on their time and in their way. As Keith said, it does feel great, but be kind to yourself. I'm out to most people, even my kids and I feel their love and acceptance, but I'd still hesitate to blatantly talk about it in front of their friends. I don't feel like I hide at all and I'd be honest if asked, but there's a time and a place for everything. Don't let others make you feel bad because you're not doing everything on THEIR timetable.

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  4. As a former LDS, former husband, and father of five daughters, I understand the concerns you write about above. Having spent 18 years married and closeted, I was unwilling to hide anymore after coming out. I've been quite vocal, online and otherwise, even though I'm well aware that my daughters could easily come across things I've written and/or posted. This includes an article that was just published yesterday in "Positively Aware" magazine, which concerns my own very personal story about being partnered to an HIV+ man and taking medical precautions to prevent my own infection.

    Within a year of my coming out, I was interviewed by an AP reporter regarding a policy change in BYU's "honor code" regarding homosexuality. That article showed up in many newspapers, as well as The Advocate. Some anonymous individual evidently felt it was important that my daughters knew what their father was up to. This individual cut out a copy of the article, and mailed it to my daughters, using my former wife's work address. No letter, no explanation, just a clear attempt to demonstrate my supposed "evil" to my daughters. In the end, however, it didn't really affect them at all. They just found it odd that some anonymous person would feel the need to send the article. Despite having two daughters currently at BYU, I have yet to hear of a single instance where my vocal activism has caused them confrontation, embarassment, etc.

    Part of my reasoning for being so open, even where my daughters can easily see it, comes from the LDS upbringing I originally gave them. Despite all the LDS teachings around being "honest with your fellow man," the LDS church ultimately teaches us to be dishonest with ourselves. Gay LDS members are taught to hide who they are from others, and even from themselves. Those with religious doubts are taught to portray themselves as true believers, lest their doubt be characterized as the result of sin. Those who struggle financially are taught to engage in highly visible consumption, so their LDS neighbors will think deity has blessed them with prosperity for their righteousness.

    In being fully open with my sexual orientation, my life, and my activism, I am finally teaching my daughters to be open and honest about who THEY are, how THEY feel, and what THEY believe. I think that's an important lesson, and my best way to teach it to them is by example.

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  5. As a former LDS, former husband, and father of five daughters, I understand the concerns you write about above. Having spent 18 years married and closeted, I was unwilling to hide anymore after coming out. I've been quite vocal, online and otherwise, even though I'm well aware that my daughters could easily come across things I've written and/or posted. This includes an article that was just published yesterday in "Positively Aware" magazine, which concerns my own very personal story about being partnered to an HIV+ man and taking medical precautions to prevent my own infection.

    Within a year of my coming out, I was interviewed by an AP reporter regarding a policy change in BYU's "honor code" regarding homosexuality. That article showed up in many newspapers, as well as The Advocate. Some anonymous individual evidently felt it was important that my daughters knew what their father was up to. This individual cut out a copy of the article, and mailed it to my daughters, using my former wife's work address. No letter, no explanation, just a clear attempt to demonstrate my supposed "evil" to my daughters. In the end, however, it didn't really affect them at all. They just found it odd that some anonymous person would feel the need to send the article. Despite having two daughters currently at BYU, I have yet to hear of a single instance where my vocal activism has caused them confrontation, embarassment, etc.

    Part of my reasoning for being so open, even where my daughters can easily see it, comes from the LDS upbringing I originally gave them. Despite all the LDS teachings around being "honest with your fellow man," the LDS church ultimately teaches us to be dishonest with ourselves. Gay LDS members are taught to hide who they are from others, and even from themselves. Those with religious doubts are taught to portray themselves as true believers, lest their doubt be characterized as the result of sin. Those who struggle financially are taught to engage in highly visible consumption, so their LDS neighbors will think deity has blessed them with prosperity for their righteousness.

    In being fully open with my sexual orientation, my life, and my activism, I am finally teaching my daughters to be open and honest about who THEY are, how THEY feel, and what THEY believe. I think that's an important lesson, and my best way to teach it to them is by example.

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  6. I'm 100% out of the closet in my real life and have been for decades, but I still use a handle for blogging. The issue to me is that search engines are not my friends. I don't like the idea of random acquaintances or business clients using the Internet to research my political or religious views or my personal life. This isn't related to my being gay; it's just an issue of general privacy.

    A related issue is the well-known problem that people have with social networking sites like Facebook. One of the reasons I don't like Facebook is that it mixes my (heavily LDS) family with old school friends and my (mostly non-LDS) social group and professional colleagues. I'm not closeted with any of these folks, but like most people I have distinct social circles that I don't necessarily want to mix together. My boss doesn't need to see posts by my niece. It is interesting that one of the main features of Google's new social networking service is geared toward solving exactly this problem.

    Blogging using my real name would be the Facebook problem all over again. Employers routinely perform Internet searches on potential hires. My personal faith journey or my philosophical musings are really none of their business. For me, I don't think of this as an extension of the closet. Of course, I've never encountered the situation where I wanted to be more public than I am. I can see where the separation of one's blogging identity and real life identity might not be easy.

    I don't know what the solution is to your dilemma. Maybe it's time for you to run down the street naked, caution be damned.

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  7. I am very much out on my blog. (I did not start out that way, but about six months in I started using my real name and posted the link to the blog on my facebook account.)

    I came out on the blog for many of the same reasons that you listed above. I hated feeling like I was still in a closet. However, a year later I have lots of people that I know personally in real life that read it and I find myself censoring myself. I find myself no longer able to say the things that I really need to say.

    It really depends on what you want to use your blog for. I use it get things out, and say things that I can't articulate or have no one talk to about. My blog was not really about being out... I strongly suggest NOT dropping the blog alias. I wish I had not.

    Come out in person to whoever you want to. I would keep the blog safe though.

    (Coming out is a process... I'm almost totally out now except at work.) Give yourself time...

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  8. I hope you come out. I'm really would love to know who you really are LOL. FYI you are an adult you can say 'fuck'.

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  9. My first thought was to cite a well-worn cliché: Rome wasn’t built in a day. But seriously, I believe in evolution, the evolution that makes us who we are one thought, one experience, one frustration, one challenge, one etc, at a time. We humans generally can’t get from Me-A to Me-D without passing through B and C. So I say, press forward and keep evolving. Each step forward toward the ultimate “you” prepares you for the next.

    And, I have been surprised at how understanding members of my family have been (to whom my wife recently outed me) who I thought would be the most condemning. Some of your friends and family may distance themselves but, because I know you personally, I think your genuine kindness and generosity of spirit will draw them back in time.

    Still evolving at my own pace,
    Trey

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  10. DPS - I appreciate your comments. Thanks. I find I have to examine my motives regularly. :)

    Nick - I agree with your observations about Mormon culture/religion. I'm reminded of the song from "Book of Mormon Musical": Turn It Off! I think that is my favorite song from the play. I also appreciate your comments about the importance of example. Believe me, I think about that a lot. It's a balancing act, which sometimes I get very fed up with.

    MoHoHawaii - I get what you're saying. In a large sense, this really boils down to me and what's going on in MY head as opposed to someone else's.

    Kiley - I really appreciate your advice. I think it is sound. :)

    Anonymous - I know, I know. Old habits die hard. :)

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  11. Trey - Dear friend, as always, I appreciate your wisdom and your turn of phrase. Evolution is creation, only at a slower pace. I appreciate your reminder of this. And I'm SOO glad to hear that you are receiving acceptance and understanding from your family!

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  12. Just with your IP, I've created my own "persona" that is only a part of me... certainly one that gives voice and honesty and expression to an otherwise squashed and hidden existence. But that "persona" is still not me. It's just another cloaked existence.

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  13. If you lose people by declaring who you are, those people were not your true friends anyway.

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