Only His Hairdresser Knows for Sure

“Is he, or isn’t he?”  Gay, that is.

Apparently, there was some truth to the legendary Clairol advertising campaign, and it didn’t just apply to hair color.  I went to get my hair cut earlier this week by the same woman who has been cutting it for years.  She also cuts my wife’s hair, my children’s hair and does the hair of half the people in my old ward – or so it seems.

It is for this reason that I have been curious, as I have visited her these past months, whether she has “heard” anything about my wife and me, i.e., about our divorce and – more particularly – about me.  I mean, after all, where better to hear gossip than at the hairdresser’s?

She has repeatedly replied that, no, she hasn’t heard anything.  Today, however, when I asked her again, she did volunteer that she had heard something about me.  “Oh?” I replied.  “Yes,” she hesitated, “and I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you if it’s true, which I suspect it is.” 

My eyebrows raised.  “Oh,” I said, “you mean, that I’m gay?” 

“Yes,” she replied.  Then came the bombshell.  “Of course, I’ve known for years.”

“What?!”  I practically shouted.  “How?” 

“Well,” she hesitated again.  “I’ve got really good gaydar, and I sensed a long time ago that you’re gay.”  She also volunteered that she found me somewhat effeminate, which I hotly dispute. 

So, all you closeted Mormon guys out there beware of your hairdresser, particularly if it’s a woman. 

We then talked for quite a while about the situation and she shared that someone from my old ward – she “can’t remember” who – had volunteered in the course of a discussion about me and my wife’s marriage breakdown that the cause was “the worst possible thing imaginable.”  That person didn’t elaborate, so my hairdresser was thinking, “Hmmmm.  Incest?  Molestation?  Abuse?”  No.  As it turns out, the “worst possible thing imaginable" was that – you guessed it – I’m gay.  Gasp!!! Horror of horrors!  Shame of shame!!!

And people wonder why Mormons who have the temerity to embrace their true sexual identity tend to become just a tad bit embittered … Ah well, and so it goes …

Davy Wavy Meets the Mormons?

It appears that Davy Wavy, the gay fitness guru, has met the Mormons – so to speak.  Yesterday on his blog, Davy reported that he had received the following email:

I’ve seen you on YouTube a few times over the last four or five years. You’re really a nice kid, but you’re so messed up.

I like you, but Davey, choosing to be gay is a real scam.  You’re being so scammed buddy ol’ pal.  I really mean that.

Why do I say this?  Simply, stop a minute and look at your design (your body).  You were made to be a dad – a fun lovable, hard working man with kids.  Your design is to be a father – and a good one.

If you don’t find a wonderful girl and make her your wife, and then if you don’t have kids, Oh wow, how sad and dejected you are going to be in you older years.  And then, don’t be stupid and think this life just ends at old age.  That’s a ridiculous lie.  Life goes on my friend.  Those little kids that you have, and your wife will mean so much to you, and will make your life so meaningful over the time here, and the time after life.

Come one Davy, your ‘man parts’ have an important purpose, and your awesome gift of semen has a real purpose!  You were designed to have children – beautiful children just like yourself.  You were designed to have a wonderful girl as a wife, and love and cherish her.

I’m trying to help you not make a terrible mistake.  Come on, wake up man.

Your friend,

Steve

He then read the email and responded to it in this video (warning:  Davy makes a couple of “off color” comments, which he is wont to do, but which are usually very, very funny and are, in my humble opinion, in this case):

Now, I realize it is possible that “Steve” is perhaps a born-again Christian, but he sounds (very) suspiciously like a Mormon.  Notice, for example, that Steve goes straight for the parental jugular:  “You were made to be a dad.”  And not just an ordinary dad, mind; but a “fun, lovable, hard-working man with kids.”  And just to make sure the point is not lost, Steve adds:  “Your design is to be a father – and a good one [emphasis added].  (Is this where the “Fatherhood:  It’s About Time,” ad starts?)

Other tell-tale signs:  Steve goes on to admonish Davy to find a “wonderful girl and make her your wife.”  This statement bears the heavy fingerprint of the chauvinist Mormon priesthood holder – not that every Mormon priesthood holder is chauvinist, by any means.  But, hey, we all know they’re out there and we all know LDS guys, particularly of a certain age (which Steve appears to be, calling Davy – age 28 – a “kid”) that view finding a “wonderful girl” who can be “made” a fruitful wife the primary purpose of every returned missionary.

But what really gives Steve away, I think, is his “families are forever” speech:  “And then, don’t be stupid and think this life just ends at old age.  That’s a ridiculous lie [interesting choice of words].  Life goes on my friend.  Those little kids that you have, and your wife will mean so much to you, and will make your life so meaningful over the time here, and the time after life.”  Again, Steve could be a born-again Christian, but I’m laying my money on him being a macho jock Mormon.

A Neanderthal macho jock Mormon at that, who waxes eloquent about Davy’s “awesome gift of semen” [sorry, ladies, you aren’t so endowed] which has a “real purpose.” Then, there are the parting teachings:  “You were designed to have children – beautiful children just like yourself.  You were designed to have a wonderful girl [not a woman, mind, a “girl”] as a wife, and love and cherish her.”

Perhaps the dead give-away, in my view, that Steve is Mormon is his parting patronizing comment that he is only trying to help Davy see the error of his ways:  “I’m trying to help you not make a terrible mistake.  Come on, wake up man.” 

Davy Wavy very graciously, in his video, assumes that Steve is coming from a “good place.”  Davy is being very charitable.  Perhaps I am a bit cynical because I have lived through all that is represented by Steve’s comments.  I bought into trying to be that perfect heterosexual Mormon father who is in all the LDS Church’s ads – the laughing, adoring father who is walking hand in hand with his sweetheart, his eternal companion.  I also bought into, if I were to be honest, the whole patriarchal scene that Steve represents – whether or not he is Mormon.

That’s probably why I recognize it so plainly.  Anybody else?

(I should probably state at this point that I obviously know that there are many wonderful Mormon fathers who love their wives and their children and who earnestly strive to be good fathers to their children.  I salute them.  But just as Mormon women tend to be held up to an impossibly high standard of being the “ideal” mother, Mormon fathers could benefit from being allowed to be human, instead of being held up to some “Stepford Wife” kind of plastic perfection – which (again, let’s face it) is endemic in the Mormon culture.)

Lastly, Davy, thanks for pointing out in your video response what is becoming increasingly commonplace and glaringly obvious, i.e., that one can become a father without implanting one’s “awesome semen” in the vagina of a “wonderful girl.”  The implications of this fact for Mormon theology have yet to be worked out.  Stay tuned …

Know This, That Every Soul is Free

“When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan–it is God’s plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give direction, it should mark the end of controversy. God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost one his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God.”

How often have we heard a variation of this statement, whether from a fellow members of the LDS Church, from a bishop, in a Gospel Doctrine class, from a stake president, or even in General Conference?

This statement was contained in a ward teacher message published in the June 1945 issue of the Improvement Era (the equivalent of today’s Ensign).  It prompted the pastor of the Unitarian Church in Salt Lake City to write a letter to then-President of the Mormon Church, George Albert Smith, which read in part as follows:

Dear President Smith:

It has been one of the great privileges of my life to have lived for the past four years in Salt Lake City, and to have become personally acquainted with many of the leaders of the L.D.S. Church. From them I have learned many things, and the spirit of friendliness which is found in our relationships is a source of unending delight to me. It is because I have found you and the other leaders so very charitable and sympathetic that I make so bold as to write you this letter …

Last June there was delivered to my door a short religious editorial, prepared by one of your leaders, entitled “Sustaining the General Authorities of the Church.” Its message amazed me a great deal, and with the passing of weeks my distur[b]ance became very acute. It might have passed, except that several members of your Church have come to me to discuss the subject …

Permit me to quote the passages which seem to be brought most in question:

“He (Lucifer) wins a great victory when he can get members of the Church to speak against their leaders and to ‘do their own thinking’.”

“When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan–it is God’s plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give direction, it should mark the end of controversy….”

I do not know who is responsible for this statement, but I am sure it is doing inestimable harm to many who have no other reason to question the integrity of the Church leaders …

Several years ago, when I first became acquainted with the L.D.S. Church, I read extensively in the texts, and there are many passages which may be used to give a better expression to the vision and genius of your Faith. I cite but one, although there are many others which are familiar to you.

Quoting from the Discourses of Brigham Young, as Selected and Arranged by John A. Widtsoe, in the Chapter on “The Priesthood”:

“I am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by him. I am fearful that they settle down in a state of blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken that influence they could give their leaders did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man and woman know, by the whisperings of the Spirit of God to themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not.”

This quotation from Brigham Young is a wonderful passage, and it has been on the basis of such freedom that persons like myself have grown to have a deep feeling of kinship with the L.D.S. Church. It is in keeping with the high traditions of my Unitarian background that the gains made by my fellow workers are seen as gains for us all. It is a source of regret to all of us when one stone is discovered to bar the way to deeper faith within any soul.

With an assurance of my continued good-will and friendliness,

Most cordially yours,

J. Raymond Cope

President George Albert Smith, in response to this letter, wrote the following:

My dear Dr. Cope:

I have read with interest and deep concern your letter of November 16, 1945, in which you make special comment on “a short religious editorial prepared by one of our leaders entitled “Sustaining the General Authorities of the Church.” You say that you read the message with amazement, and that you have since been disturbed because of its effect upon members of the Church.

I am gratified with the spirit of friendliness that pervades your letter, and thank you for having taken the time to write to me.

The leaflet to which you refer, and from which you quote in your letter, was not “prepared” by “one of our leaders.” However, one or more of them inadvertently permitted the paragraph to pass uncensored. By their so doing, not a few members of the Church have been upset in their feelings, and General Authorities have been embarrassed.

I am pleased to assure you that you are right in your attitude that the passage quoted does not express the true position of the Church. Even to imply that members of the Church are not to do their own thinking is grossly to misrepresent the true ideal of the Church, which is that every individual must obtain for himself a testimony of the truth of the Gospel, must, through the redemption of Jesus Christ, work out his own salvation, and is personally responsible to His Maker for his individual acts. The Lord Himself does not attempt coercion in His desire and effort to give peace and salvation to His children. He gives the principles of life and true progress, but leaves every person free to choose or to reject His teachings. This plan the Authorities of the Church try to follow.

The Prophet Joseph Smith once said: “I want liberty of thinking and believing as I please.” This liberty he and his successors in the leadership of the Church have granted to every other member thereof.

On one occasion in answer to the question by a prominent visitor how he governed his people, the Prophet answered: “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.”

Again, as recorded in the History of the Church (Volume 5, page 498) Joseph Smith said further: “If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do, only by the force of reasoning, for truth will cut its own way.”

I cite these few quotations, from many that might be given, merely to confirm your good and true opinion that the Church gives to every man his free agency, and admonishes him always to use the reason and good judgment with which God has blessed him.

In the advocacy of this principle leaders of the Church not only join congregations in singing but quote frequently the following:

“Know this, that every soul is free

To choose his life and what he’ll be,

For this eternal truth is given

That God will force no man to heaven.”

Again I thank you for your manifest friendliness and for your expressed willingness to cooperate in every way to establish good will and harmony among the people with whom we are jointly laboring to bring brotherhood and tolerance.

Faithfully yours,

Geo. Albert Smith

While I appreciate the words of President Smith, which reaffirm some of the supposed bedrock basics of Mormonism, I feel a certain amount of sadness and resignation that the spirit and mindset that resulted in that message being written 66 years ago was alive and well enough in the Church at that time to be so expressed in a Church-wide publication.  I feel even more disappointment to know that this same philosophy and mind-set is alive and well and thriving in the Church today – at all levels.

I sometimes wonder whether, in the Church, there is more worship of the “trueness” of the Church than of He who is supposedly the head of it.  Have Brigham Young’s worst fears been realized?  

The Greatest of These is Love

This is another in the Gay Gospel Doctrine Class series of posts that takes a lesson from the LDS Church’s (Adult) Gospel Doctrine class and presents it from a gay perspective.  Today’s lesson is based on Lesson #34 in the Gospel Doctrine Manual (“Keep the Ordinances, As I Delivered Them”) and was prepared by yours truly.

Today’s lesson covers five chapters (11-15) in Paul’s first epistle to the Corinthians, including some of the most profound teachings in all of scripture about the gifts of the Spirit and the purpose and meaning of love (both of which are given relatively short shrift in the Gospel Doctrine manual lesson, which focuses on priesthood ordinances).

To Each One:  God Loves Diversity

In Chapter 12, Paul discusses the gifts of the Spirit.  Interestingly, the Amplified Bible translation refers to these gifts as “special endowments of supernatural energy” or “extraordinary powers distinguishing certain Christians, due to the power of divine grace operating in their souls by the Holy Spirit.”  In verse 7, Paul points out the purpose of such endowments:  “But to each one is given the manifestation of the [Holy] Spirit [the evidence, the spiritual illumination of the Spirit] for good and profit” [emphasis added].

Several thoughts come to mind as I read these verses.  First, these endowments are not necessarily sought, nor can they be earned, but rather are embedded within each of us as partakers of the divine nature.  Furthermore “each one” is so endowed, i.e., we all have within us gifts of the Spirit, a spark of the Divine. 

And in the divine order of things, each of us has a different gift, something which we uniquely bring to the table:  “All these [gifts, achievements, abilities] are inspired and brought to pass by one and the same [Holy] Spirit, Who apportions to each person individually [exactly] as He chooses” [Verse 11, Amplified Bible, emphasis added].

The subtext of this verse, for me, is that God loves diversity, not uniformity, and He has woven diversity throughout His creation, including with regard to that manifestation of Himself that resides within each of us. 

In the balance of Chapter 12, Paul waxes eloquent, comparing all of us to parts of a body, each of which are necessary for the full functioning of the whole and without which the body cannot operate as a healthy organism.  As with the beautiful mosaics of antiquity, each of us adds our unique “chip” that creates the beautiful panorama of the whole; without our chip, there is a gap which becomes immediately noticeable.  Furthermore, it is precisely the uniqueness of each individual chip that creates the beauty of the whole.

Is there not a lesson in this for those of us who are gay?  Is there not a lesson as well for those around us who value uniformity over diversity, who even demand uniformity at the expense of diversity and authenticity?  I’ll leave it to the class to comment if they wish …

God’s Love in Us

We now come to 1 Corinthians 13 – surely one of the most beautiful passages in all of scripture.  We are accustomed to the King James Translation of this chapter which is beautifully read (with minor word changes) in this video:

But I think a fuller sense of the majesty and meaning of these verses is conveyed in the Amplified Bible translation, which I’m presenting here in its entirety:

1IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

    2 And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

    3 Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing.

    4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

    5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

    6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

    7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

    8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ([d]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

    9 For our knowledge is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect), and our prophecy (our teaching) is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect).

    10 But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded).

    11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.

    12 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].

    13 And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Again, there are numerous points that could be made about these verses, but I will only make a couple.  First, this translation emphasizes that what Paul is talking about, is God’s love in us.  In other words, Paul is describing what God’s love is like and how that love is manifested in and through us.  I think the traditional King James translation, particularly within our tradition, misses that point (even though Moroni tells us that “charity” is the pure love of Christ).  (What do I mean by “particularly within our tradition”?  Well, I think there is more than a touch of paternalistic condescension associated with the Mormon concept of “charity,” which is almost always linked to the concept of service to others [fair enough], but which is all too often tied to a sense of duty and self-justification (and, in the case of the institutional church, publicity), rather than channeling God’s love to His children.)

Secondly, I would just point out that the love that Paul describes here (the spirit of which I think can be felt in the YouTube video above) is totally contrary to the type of “love” that underlies the phrase “love the sinner but hate the sin” which falls from the lips of so many Christians, including many Mormons. Such persons profess love, yet does this “love” pass Paul’s test? 

Love endures long and is patient and kind;

Love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy,

Love is not boastful or vainglorious,

Love does not display itself haughtily.

Love is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride);

Love is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.

Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way,

for it is not self-seeking;

Love is not touchy or fretful or resentful;

Love takes no account of the evil done to it

[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

And finally:

Love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness;

Love rejoices when right and truth prevail.

I choose to believe that if most sincere Christians (including members of the LDS Church) who believe that homosexuality is “wrong” and a “perversion” that must be resisted and condemned as “sinful” were to meditate thoughtfully – with a “sincere heart and real intent” - on the message of 1 Corinthians 13, they would be touched with at least some degree of enlightenment that would convey to them the disconnect between what they have been taught about homosexuality and the message and spirit of this passage of scripture, which I think are conveyed in the following videos:

I could write more, particularly with respect to recent gay bashings in and around Salt Lake City.  But I will forebear and simply hope that an increasing number of Christians and Mormons will be able to move beyond what they have been taught about homosexuality and hear the voice of Love, for, as John wrote, “God is love” (1 John 4:8).

Simply Saturday

This is a path of letting go
So there will be room to live

If we hold on to opinions,
our minds will become dull and useless/
Let go of opinions.

If we hold on to possessions,
we will always be at risk.
Let go of possessions.

If we hold on to ego,
we will continue to suffer.
Let go of ego.

Working without thought of praise or blame
is the way of true contentment.

LAO-TZU, TAO TE CHING 

Kill all my demons, and my angels might die too.

TENNESSEE WILLIAMS

Grow up to be who you really are.

E. E. CUMMINGS

Most people don’t know what they want or feel. And for everyone, myself included, it’s very difficult to say what you mean when what you mean is painful. The most difficult thing in the world is to reveal yourself, to express what you have to… As an artist, I feel that we must try many things - but above all, we must dare to fail. You must have the courage to be bad - to be willing to risk everything to really express it all.

 J. CASSAVETES