My salt-of-the-earth grandmother used to say that it’s always darkest just before dawn.
Yesterday morning, I was feeling like I was in a very dark place. I reached out to my on-line friends, and they came through for me. Thank you! Your expressions of concern, support and love buoyed me, and served as the “updraft” I needed.
Beyond this, I had a wonderful discussion with my wife yesterday morning. Things are much better now, and I think we have established a much more solid basis for moving forward.
Dawn came and heralded a beautiful fall day.
Meanwhile, I had realized the day before that I had kind of botched my coming out to her, in that I didn’t lay the groundwork as I should have. Instead, my coming out had just happened in the course of a wider discussion involving the church and our children. I had seen an opportunity, and I had taken it. Though she already knew bits and pieces of my “hidden history,” she had not been afforded the opportunity to learn my history before the big revelation.
I am now going to rectify that by providing her with a journal version of my “hidden history”, i.e., the history of gay identity and homosexual experiences from the time I was a child until our marriage.
I think we also laid a good foundation for me to meet with MoHo’s in the future, in an environment of trust and understanding. We also discussed watching together movies about the gay experience, starting with “Angels in America.”
The future is again looking bright and promising. There will without question be future challenges, disappointments and trials, but we are once again in a “good place” to move forward.
My Angel Sister
In addition to my on-line friends, I received fantastic support from my younger sister. Following my initial coming out to her, I received a wonderfully supportive e-mail. With her permission, I am going to share parts of it below, in the hope and belief that it may be of benefit to someone else. Needless to say, I am very grateful to have her alongside me.
Fear is a form of slavery, and I think that what you are experiencing must feel like a liberation. I can't even imagine the pain associated with releasing this: allowing yourself to say no to shame and admit who you are while also admitting it to select others while living in culture and community that you find yourself in. I could imagine that you feel raw at times.
I admire the courage that you have found to come out about this, but most importantly, I find courageous that you are allowing yourself to truly be who you are, with all the pages included - an uncensored edition so to speak. So many people live their lives ignorant of this or simply in rebelling against things: you will not be one of these people! It has taken many years to finally come to terms with this; it will take time to gain a greater understanding of what all of this means to you now.
I agree that you can allow yourself the time that you need to understand this: there is no rush and no timeline. You are the one making the rules here based on your transformation. As I think of this, I see the chrysalis of a butterfly: while inside the privacy of the silk cocoon, the caterpillar is transforming at a rate that only he can know and determine. Once his metamorphosis is complete, he decides when he will come out. So take this time to nurture yourself, gain your strength, write down your thoughts, explore your mind, body and heart ... there is nothing that is shameful in this life, especially Life itself in all of its intricate and unique forms, i.e., us: you, me, each individual and their differences!
I believe that we are given our bodies, hearts and minds to feel, discover and to LOVE. I believe that all opportunities that allow the unification of heart, mind and body enable us to experience love to its fullest because we are living/loving ourselves and life to the fullest at these moments: from reading a book to swimming, from enjoying food to making love. Pleasure and joy are wonderful gifts that we are so fortunate to enjoy.
Take pleasure and joy in who you are, your thoughts, your sensations, your moments shared in meditation, in expanding your mind, in loving your family and friends and appreciating others. I am certain that the fear will go away: a fist clenched in fear cannot open its hand to receive or hold... once you open your hand to accept love as your guiding force and to embrace and love you for who you are, you LET GO of fear.
I am always here for you.
I love you deeply: as a brother and as a dear friend.
You are a beautiful, intelligent and sensitive man,
and I can only wish for you to have a life
that allows you to see that
and to share this beauty, insight and wisdom with others.
Re-naissance d’un homme
(My re-birth as a man – in process)