Reality Check: Where I'm At

I thought it was time that I prepare a more personal post, to write about where I’m “at.”  After all, this blog is supposed to be about my journey out of the closet to my brave new world, somewhere over the horizon, as an openly gay man.  So I guess I should get a little more up close and personal from time to time.

Right now, I remain very much a pilgrim on a journey.  I am learning a lot about myself, about the gay world and about life.  I have had many new experiences in this gay world, a number of which I have written about, and some of which I have not and likely will not write about; not any time soon, at any rate.  (Sorry to disappoint the more curious among the readers of this blog.)  Let's just say, as I was telling an out-of-state friend last night, that I'm happy - very happy even - and this morning as I was lying in bed, drifting somewhere between dreams and wakefulness, I realized I am that most blessed of persons right now - someone who is happy and realizes it.

I have made many new friends since beginning my journey four months ago (has it been only that long?).  Up until less than two months ago, most of these friends existed only in cyber-space.  Now, most of my new friends are “real world” friends, and this is increasingly the case.  However, I still value those friendships that have not yet been “consummated” by meeting in person: several men I have yet to meet have played key roles in my life over the past few months, and I’m grateful for the association I have had with them.  All of these people have influenced me for good, sharing wisdom, insight, experience and knowledge – not to mention friendship, of course.  They've also been the source of a lot of fun!

At home, I remain in a holding pattern.  I hope to be able to move out in a couple of months.  Time will tell.  Meanwhile, my wife and I remain on fairly amicable terms, despite an undercurrent of tension which is unavoidable.  As to my children, the four older ones know about the impending separation as well as about me being gay.  All things considered, we maintain a good relationship which I hope will hold during the months ahead.  I worry at times about the effects that our separation will have on the younger kids, but I know that there is really nothing I can do about it except work on my individual relationship with each of them:  our marriage is over, and separation and divorce are inevitable.

I certainly have no regrets whatsoever for the steps that have led me to where I am today.  As I have written before, I could not go on “the way I wasn’t.”  I simply was mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically incapable of pretending any more, and my wife made things a lot easier by stating categorically that she had no desire to continue the marriage.  She has commented since that she does not understand how wives of self-acknowledged gay men can continue in their marriages.  For her, she simply cannot do that, just like I couldn’t continue to pretend.  We are both being true to ourselves, and that has made our path clear.

As to the church, well, I continue to attend as many meetings in our ward as I feel I can handle.  I go for the sake of our children at home, to provide an “example” and to not give fodder to the gossips.  My wife and I both want to maintain appearances for as long as possible for the sake of the children.  Nevertheless, it is extremely difficult for me to sit through meetings and to greet people, pretending that all is well and everything is as it always has been. 

I’ve got to be more careful, though:  my bishop asked me to come in to see him this past Sunday and asked if everything is ok.  He is well aware of the difficulties my wife and I have had for the past several years, but he knows nothing of current circumstances.  He is a friend, and I have a great deal of respect for him, but my wife and I are in agreement that it is best to just keep things to ourselves for now.

Beyond this, I don’t plan to continue my association with the Church as an organization once I move out.  I need a break, which may turn into something permanent; only time will tell.  Meanwhile, I will likely continue to investigate other options regarding a relationship to a “community of faith,” partly because I am finding that this relationship – outside of the LDS Church - can be very nourishing (as opposed to draining) and fulfilling (as opposed to frustrating) and become an important part of validating who I am.  (I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will:  my journey is different from anyone else’s; what is meaningful or important to me will not necessarily be so to someone else, and visa versa.  We are each on our own journey.)

Meanwhile, the road beckons ... I have tarried long enough.  New discoveries, new experiences, new lessons await over the crest of the next hill, around the next bend in the road ...