What About Gay Sex?

Since starting my blog, I have occasionally received an e-mail or message that concerns gay sex.  Not that anyone was hitting on me.  And it’s not like guys were asking questions about technique or anything like that (as if I could have helped them).  Most of the questions revolved around the issue of straight sex vs. gay sex, and what effect, if any, having gay sex has had on “knowing” (sort of in the sense of “theory” vs. “practice”) whether or not one is gay.

I frankly wasn’t able to be of much help here either, so I finally decided the time had come to write a post about this and to solicit opinions and experiences from the great “out there.”

I think the first e-mail I received was from a guy who was married, but who was pretty sure he was gay.  Other than a bit of “fooling around,” he’d never had any sort of sex with a guy.  He said he thought he was coming along pretty good in terms of “dealing” with his same-sex attraction, but then he read a comment on a blog that kind of shook him up.

The comment was written by MoHoHawaii, a gay man who has been out 20+ years, who comes from a Mormon background, who was married when he was young and who became the father of a couple of children.  He was responding to a post about hetero-sex vs. gay sex, and this is what he wrote: 

“I have been on both sides of this... heterosexually married (with kids) and in a monogamous gay relationship of long duration.  My experience [with heterosexual sex was that] it was workable; we had kids; it didn't gross anyone out; it wasn't a caricature of intimacy; sometimes it was even tender.  When I first had homosex, [however,] it was like being transported to another plane of existence. The synapses in my brain went into overdrive. It was electric. The experience was unbelievably potent. I cried afterwards from happiness. It was truly making love for the first time … I'm not kidding: having the kind of sex you're wired for is a completely different experience from the other kind of sex.”  

After quoting MoHoHawaii, my correspondent then wrote:  “When I read his comment, it was like something shifted deep inside of me.  Particularly when I read the phrase, ‘the kind of sex you're wired for.’  I somehow knew I will never be the same after reading this.  This perhaps sounds dramatic, but I’m serious.  I thought I could, you know, come to terms with my SSA [same-sex attraction], just accept that I’m gay, but never act on that.  I want to stay married and everything. 

“But those words, ‘the kind of sex you're wired for,’ resonated within me.  They helped me to see and accept that I am wired for gay sex, not just attraction to men.  The sex is also part of who I was wired to be.  I’m afraid those words both opened up an aspect of my sexual identity that I hadn't previously fully seen or acknowledged, and they also ignited a spark of something, and I'm not sure where it will lead.”

I never heard from this guy again.  If he reads this, I hope he will comment or write back to me so that I can learn what’s happened in his life since then.

Then there was the guy who wrote the following to me:  “I think an important thing that is missing from these discussions of mixed-orientation marriages and of these guys making a decision as to what to do is this:  Have they ever actually had sex with a guy?  Real sex?  Cause I have to tell you, from my own perspective, having sex with a guy was unlike anything I had ever had with my wife.  It was like I was being reborn, like I was finally experiencing what sex was supposed to feel like – fulfilling, enabling, energizing, uplifting, and, of course, stimulating. 

“I was reminded of that scene from “Latter Days” where Aaron and Christian had sex for the first time and how Christian commented that he couldn’t believe how long they’d been going at it.  That’s the way it was for me.  With my wife, sex was, well let’s face it, it was sex; but it became over time a duty that was best completed as quickly as possible.  Sex with a man, however, was pure bliss, and I would have been happy if it could have lasted all night.  I could never have gone back to straight sex; I now knew who I was and how I was intended to live.”

Well, at the time, I decided not to publish this comment.  But the recent posts about mixed-orientation marriages have made me change my mind.  I’ve decided it’s important to put these issues on the table.

In fact, it’s so important that I decided to cast my net further afield, so to speak and approach some of my gay friends for their input – on an anonymous basis of course.  One wrote back, “For me, the first time I had sex with a man, the thought that swam around in my head was, ‘This is what I've always wanted.’  And when sex is combined with the emotional attachment of love, it is a mind-blowing, comfortable, peaceful connection ... In Evergreen (yup, tried that one, too), they emphasize that one shouldn't compare sex with another man with sex with a woman because gay sex appeals to baser desires which should be overcome, and straight (married) sex - if a gay guy can get there - is much more noble and righteous act which should be revered as such.  Let's just say that argument didn't resonate with me.”

This friend touched on something that was mentioned by my Gay Priesthood Leader, whom I’ve written about before, when he mentioned sex being “combined with the emotional attachment of love.”  My GPL pointed out that a lot of people tend to think of gay sex in terms of “hook-ups” or recreational sex and forget that there is such a thing as gay relational sex.  In fact, one guy wrote to me that, to him, “gay sex is really about intimacy, about who one genuinely feels intimate with.  I can enjoy being with a guy, just hugging him, holding him and kissing him, being intimate with him. I don’t need to necessarily have an orgasm; that’s the cherry on top, so to speak.”

This comment was reflected in something I ran across just the other day, on a website for GLBT Christians.  The author, Colin Blanchard, was writing about the parable of the Good Samaritan and how it speaks of the unconditional love of the Samaritan for the victim of the robber’s attack.  As an aside, he made the following point, which I think is germane to this discussion: 

“Some of my friends have recently been to see the film Brokeback Mountain. They had heard that it was about cowboy sex. They were disappointed. But the film isn't really about sex. It's about the love of one man for another and their willingness to put their marriages at risk in pursuit of that love, among other things ... Being gay is not about whom one has sex with; it's about whom one loves. We should never lose sight of what is the most important aspect of our being. To some extent we can regulate who we have sex with but who we fall in love with seems to cross the barriers of race and creed and also sexual orientation, eluding our control [emphasis added].”

So, I know I’m kind of going out on a limb here, but I’d like to invite people to comment – anonymously (unless you feel strongly about identifying yourself) – on the issue of what having gay sex has meant to you, how it has affected your perception of yourself as a gay man, and how you generally feel/have felt about it.