Friday, October 29, 2010

Journal – Day 7: Coming out to My Self

The Pilgrim is now on Facebook

Ned nudged me in to the Facebook world yesterday.  (Thanks, Ned.)  Wow!  I feel like I’ve entered an amazing new wonderful world! 

Thanks to all those who already friended me!  You can find me by searching under People for Invictus Pilgrim.

“Gay Adolescence”

In reading MoHoHawaii's blog archive, I came across a post he wrote about coming out, in which he described a phenomenon that he called “gay adolescence.”  He wrote:

“There is a phenomenon known as "gay adolescence" that is, in my experience, almost unavoidable. Basically, what this means is that regardless of your biological age, you tend to have emotions like a teenager when you first come out. For example, you can easily become infatuated. Your sense of "drama" and exhilaration increases. This lasts until you get it out of your system, in the same way that it works for teenagers. It's not all bad-- it makes you experience life with wonderful intensity and passion, but it also can make you irresponsible and kind of crazy. (Parents of actual teenagers will recognize this.) Be on the lookout for this. Your emotions may play tricks on you. When I hear you say "damn the consequences", I think this.”

I have also read about this in Beck’s blog, as well as other places.  I think it is fair to say that my recent posts have shown that I am, in some ways, in the full throws of “gay adolescence.”  As I've been preparing posts, I have started to apologize at times for some of the things I have written, because they sound almost silly.  I’m sure to some people, they are silly.  But I decided not to apologize.  I feel I earned this period of time in which to come out to myself, and I’m just grateful for the blogosphere which enables me to do this safely, with support, and with guidance.  So I don’t want to hear any “He’s so GAY!” comments, okay?  J

Coming Out to Myself

Speaking of silly, it occurred to me in the last day or so that everything I’ve been going through in the past few weeks really boils down to this:  I’m coming out to myself.  I don’t pretend to know a lot about “coming out.”  In fact, I don’t claim to know anything about it.  But I do know what I have been going through with myself, and that is allowing myself to speak truth to myself, to acknowledge as truth what I have known practically my whole life, but tried to deny. 

I have despised myself for most of my life.  That is over.  I am, from this point on, going to try to look myself in the mirror and love myself, to accept myself and to celebrate who I am – even if only in the chambers of my own heart and soul.  


  1. Good post.

    You do have to "come out" to yourself. Our culture causes so many of us to bury this fact about ourselves so deeply, its often difficult to even admit it to yourself. I was that way for a long time - in a constant state of denial. I have finally gotten to the point that I admit it to myself AND I'm comfortable with being who I am.

    I wrote an 8 page letter to my Bishop when I came out to him, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took days to write it, but it was very liberating at the same time. Much success with your own letter!

  2. Welcome Vic! We're glad to have you are here.

    I agree that Gay Adolescence is real. I've been going through it for about two decades with plenty of ebbs and flows. But I think it is important to note that as adults we do have the advantage of not having actual, chronological teenage brains which are not fully developed in terms of making critical judgements. We may feel like a teen, but our brains are different. Here's a related link:

    Google Teenage Brain for many other takes on this biological reality.

  3. Great blog! Thanks for sounding like a real person, not like some of the recent blogger explosions...

  4. So true about gay adolescence... but can you blame us? We didn't get to do it as teenagers.

    I think (hope) I'm on the tail end of mine and emerging into a gay adult. Hat's off to you and a big hug in your journey.

  5. Thanks, Romulus. I really appreciate your support. I need it.

    And thanks to you "dadsprimalscream" for your support. I don't know about you, but there's an intense sadness in me that I "didn't get to do it" as a teenager. I know I should get over it, but I think I should allow myself to grieve that. What do you think?

    And thanks for the hug.

  6. And Ned - thanks to you for that link! More stuff to digest. :-)

  7. You're welcome, Vic!

    By the way, would you care to share the source(s) of your incredible photos? In addition to your well articulated text, you're posting some amazing images. Thanks for the visual nourishment. In my opinion it rises above mere eye candy to the status of a gourmet dessert. So who are the chefs here?