Journal – Day 7: Coming out to My Self

The Pilgrim is now on Facebook

Ned nudged me in to the Facebook world yesterday.  (Thanks, Ned.)  Wow!  I feel like I’ve entered an amazing new wonderful world! 

Thanks to all those who already friended me!  You can find me by searching under People for Invictus Pilgrim.

“Gay Adolescence”

In reading MoHoHawaii's blog archive, I came across a post he wrote about coming out, in which he described a phenomenon that he called “gay adolescence.”  He wrote:

“There is a phenomenon known as "gay adolescence" that is, in my experience, almost unavoidable. Basically, what this means is that regardless of your biological age, you tend to have emotions like a teenager when you first come out. For example, you can easily become infatuated. Your sense of "drama" and exhilaration increases. This lasts until you get it out of your system, in the same way that it works for teenagers. It's not all bad-- it makes you experience life with wonderful intensity and passion, but it also can make you irresponsible and kind of crazy. (Parents of actual teenagers will recognize this.) Be on the lookout for this. Your emotions may play tricks on you. When I hear you say "damn the consequences", I think this.”

I have also read about this in Beck’s blog, as well as other places.  I think it is fair to say that my recent posts have shown that I am, in some ways, in the full throws of “gay adolescence.”  As I've been preparing posts, I have started to apologize at times for some of the things I have written, because they sound almost silly.  I’m sure to some people, they are silly.  But I decided not to apologize.  I feel I earned this period of time in which to come out to myself, and I’m just grateful for the blogosphere which enables me to do this safely, with support, and with guidance.  So I don’t want to hear any “He’s so GAY!” comments, okay?  J

Coming Out to Myself

Speaking of silly, it occurred to me in the last day or so that everything I’ve been going through in the past few weeks really boils down to this:  I’m coming out to myself.  I don’t pretend to know a lot about “coming out.”  In fact, I don’t claim to know anything about it.  But I do know what I have been going through with myself, and that is allowing myself to speak truth to myself, to acknowledge as truth what I have known practically my whole life, but tried to deny. 

I have despised myself for most of my life.  That is over.  I am, from this point on, going to try to look myself in the mirror and love myself, to accept myself and to celebrate who I am – even if only in the chambers of my own heart and soul.