A lot is going on in my life right now with my marriage. I’ll write about it in the days and weeks ahead. If you like drama, I’m sure you’ll find some here. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, I just wanted to share a few thoughts today about being gay and about “the family.” You may have gathered that most of my posts are written ahead of time with a fair amount of thought. This one, however, is being written “real time.” So, pardon if it’s unpolished; but I hope its authenticity makes up for any other faults.
I am continuing to make more contacts on-line with other members of “the family,” and I’m working toward converting more and more of these contacts into “real” ones. This is the next stage of my coming out, i.e., making friends in the gay community with whom I can be “real” and “out loud.” I’m not following a playbook in this process; I’m just going with the flow and doing what I feel is right for me.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post here about how one could be grateful to be gay. (I subsequently wrote a response to my own post, here.) Well, due to recent events in my life, I can now honestly say that I am, i.e., grateful to be gay. Why? Well, I’m sure that other reasons will be added to the list in the weeks and months ahead, but for now: because my being gay is leading me out of a marriage that really hasn’t worked since day one and is leading me to the person I really am. In other words, I guess, being gay – and accepting and embracing that – is propelling me to make some changes in my life that are long overdue.
(Note to some readers: What I have written may sound harsh to a gay LDS brother (particularly one who is in a MOM), but I have tried – diligently, desperately – for 20+ years to make my marriage work. I have walked the walk, done everything I was “supposed” to do, applied all the supposed “fixes.” It hasn’t worked and isn’t working. It’s time to move on.)
I’m also grateful to be gay because coming out has led me to discover “the family.” I have felt more love, acceptance, affirmation, friendship and, as a result, happiness, over the course of the past few weeks from people I don’t even really know - yet - than I have in many years of marriage. I have received only a taste of what life can be like, and that taste has been like water to a parched soul, leaving me wanting to taste and experience more.
So, thanks again to those members of “the family” – both brothers and sisters – who have reached out to me in varying ways. I look forward to meeting more and more of you in the coming days, weeks and months!
Congratulations :-) I hope the next step in this journey is an exciting and fulfilling one.
ReplyDeleteYes, we are 'family' - perhaps a bit dysfunctional at times, but family none the less.
ReplyDeleteI've been in your shoes. It's alternately pure heaven and pure hell. Divorce sucks and brings out the worst in people. It's also one of the best decisions I ever made. I am grateful to be gay. It's an important part of who I am and I haven't regretted accepting it for a single moment.
ReplyDeleteThanks CJ, Jon and dadsprimalscream. Always appreciate the support, best wishes and insights!
ReplyDeleteobviously you know what is best for you - but be sure not to give too much credit to an adrenaline hype of new friendships....just trying to nicely say to stay level headed and follow the spirit
ReplyDeleteThanks, recoverandthrive, I appreciate your comment and acknowledge the spirit in which it was offered. I have had *lots* of practice at being level-headed. :) I'm pretty good at it. But, again, I sincerely appreciate the comment and the spirit that motivated it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that this is becoming a positive experience for you! I just found your blog, and I was really moved by your insights and personal stories. I wish you all the best, and it looks like you're taking charge of your life and making it the best yourself. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteGlad to have you as part of the family. As one walking a very similar path, I'm looking forward to your upcoming posts!
ReplyDelete:) You'll always have support with us. That's the great thing about this "family": we have so much common experience and ability to support each other.
ReplyDeleteCarla - Thanks for stopping by and for your good wishes!
ReplyDeletePablo and James - Thanks to you as well. It's nice to feel part of the "family." Pablo, maybe you and I should compare notes sometime.
You have been very courageous to stay in your MOM for these two decades. I could not stay in mine. I had tried so hard to do everything I thought I was "supposed" to, but I could not stay in the marriage. It lasted about two seconds, and I was gone, knowing full well if I stayed, I would blow my head off. (Sorry to be so blunt)
ReplyDeleteFamily is how and what WE define it as. And, it can come in any configuration we choose. And, "true" family, whoever they may be, are what really count- in my humble opinion, anyway.
Happy day. :)
In a certain sense, this post makes me want to celebrate you discovering a new "family" that is helping you through a difficult transition. It can be addicting and intoxicating, as I've felt the newness and excitement of meeting people who "know" a side of me that I hardly, if ever, give voice and expression. It is very liberating.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, this post makes me very sad. I think of your "real family", especially your wife and children. Am I alone in thinking that there is no choice other than 1) keep the family you have and live in misery, or 2) leave the family for another "family" in hopes of finding happiness? Is there really no other way? Can there not be another path? Is it just me?
I wonder if you have happiness in 1) being who you are and 2) embracing "family" by redefining it to include your "family", i.e., your children and your siblings, the new true relations you create, and the acquaintances you make?
ReplyDeleteTHe transition is one of mourning and of birth. It is also my hope that you will continue to be guided by your soul and that your wife will some to let go of bitterness and resentment.