Only His Hairdresser Knows for Sure

“Is he, or isn’t he?”  Gay, that is.

Apparently, there was some truth to the legendary Clairol advertising campaign, and it didn’t just apply to hair color.  I went to get my hair cut earlier this week by the same woman who has been cutting it for years.  She also cuts my wife’s hair, my children’s hair and does the hair of half the people in my old ward – or so it seems.

It is for this reason that I have been curious, as I have visited her these past months, whether she has “heard” anything about my wife and me, i.e., about our divorce and – more particularly – about me.  I mean, after all, where better to hear gossip than at the hairdresser’s?

She has repeatedly replied that, no, she hasn’t heard anything.  Today, however, when I asked her again, she did volunteer that she had heard something about me.  “Oh?” I replied.  “Yes,” she hesitated, “and I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you if it’s true, which I suspect it is.” 

My eyebrows raised.  “Oh,” I said, “you mean, that I’m gay?” 

“Yes,” she replied.  Then came the bombshell.  “Of course, I’ve known for years.”

“What?!”  I practically shouted.  “How?” 

“Well,” she hesitated again.  “I’ve got really good gaydar, and I sensed a long time ago that you’re gay.”  She also volunteered that she found me somewhat effeminate, which I hotly dispute. 

So, all you closeted Mormon guys out there beware of your hairdresser, particularly if it’s a woman. 

We then talked for quite a while about the situation and she shared that someone from my old ward – she “can’t remember” who – had volunteered in the course of a discussion about me and my wife’s marriage breakdown that the cause was “the worst possible thing imaginable.”  That person didn’t elaborate, so my hairdresser was thinking, “Hmmmm.  Incest?  Molestation?  Abuse?”  No.  As it turns out, the “worst possible thing imaginable" was that – you guessed it – I’m gay.  Gasp!!! Horror of horrors!  Shame of shame!!!

And people wonder why Mormons who have the temerity to embrace their true sexual identity tend to become just a tad bit embittered … Ah well, and so it goes …